How to Survive a Horror Movie

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How to Survive a Horror Movie

Rebecca Hunt, Staff Writer

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We’ve all seen our fair share of horror movies, and most horror fans know the tropes. There are endless parodies of horror movies, and even some self-aware flicks (also known as meta horror), like Wes Craven’s classic, Scream, Eli Craig’s Tucker and Dale Vs. Evil, or the hit PS4 game Until Dawn. However,these just show what not to do; if you want to survive, read this article!

First of all, you should be aware of your genre. This guide is best suited to a slasher movie, so try to modify the tips to fit your survival needs (although if there are any demons involved, just call an exorcist and hope for the best.
Next, figure out which character you are. Are you the mean popular girl, the jock, the nerd, or the Sole Survivor/Main Character?

To figure it out, think about who in horror movies you relate to most.

  • If your answer is Grace from Scream Queens, Sam from Until Dawn, or Jennifer from The Grudge (The US remake), then you’re definitely the immune Main Character. You’ll survive (possibly to the sacrifices of the others), but you’ll see some horrible things.
  • Using the same examples, if you feel like the reincarnation of Chad Radwell of Scream Queens fame or Mike from Until Dawn, then you’re the Jock.
  • You’re a Popular Girl if you love to compare yourself to Until Dawn’s Emily or Unfriended’s Jess and Val.
  • Discovering the nerd is much easier. Do you get good grades? Are you crazy smart? Do you have a weird obsession with something everyone thinks is completely irrelevant like sloths, snails, or slime? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you’re the nerd.

Once you’ve got that step out of the way, try to break free from the character’s mold. If you’re pretty confident that you’re the main character, you can click out of this tab right now, because you can survive any situation. For everyone else, though, fear not!

For the Jock:

  1. Step back from the situation. Breathe. Recognize that your [insert sport here] skills will probably not save you or anyone else.
  2. Gear up. If you have all your sports junk laying around, use it. Any extra baseball bats, tennis rackets, or lacrosse sticks? Give ‘em to your squad. Knee pads, elbow pads, and helmets should be utilized as well. If you’re so well-protected, it could make the killer nervous.
  3. Whatever you do, don’t follow your crazy sports instincts. Believe it or not, the best idea is to stay put, not find the killer. If anything, you should try to find a way to contact the police.
  4. Try to keep your temper. If the group begins to break up, it’s all over, so don’t start with the wild accusations.
  5. The Nerd may have a plan that hinges upon you successfully defending against the killer; listen and it could be your ticket to survival.

For the Popular Girl:

  1. Please try to be civil. Chances are, you and the Main Character are mortal enemies, former best friends, or have some other negative relationship. Fighting won’t solve anything, and if you start to yell at each other, the killer might find you!
  2. Wear comfortable shoes. Running through the forest in six-inch heels is impossible, and the killer won’t be afraid to take advantage of your slow pace. Use them as a weapon
  3. Don’t follow your instincts. If you get a text from the Jock asking to meet you somewhere secluded during the disaster, it probably isn’t him.

Don’t go into the basement. Steer clear of the attic, shed, and unlit, deserted places. Please.
For the Nerd:

  1. You have the biggest chance to survive using your dorky wit. Use that to your advantage and make it known that you’re a vital member of the group, despite your geekiness (or perhaps because of it).
  2. Get out your stash of horror movies, nerdy books, or whatever defines your nerdiness. If you’re lucky, you’ll be at home and have access to your nerdified room with weird gadgets (which also happens to be right next door to the jock’s house, also known as the party house).
  3. Devise a plan if that’s what you do best. If the killer has a cell phone jammer à la You’re Next, then you have to find a way to disable it. I don’t know how you’d do it, but chances are, you do! The killer might have a telltale sign, be it theme music (You’re Next, I’m looking at you again) or the revving of a chainsaw, you’re the first to figure it out. Tell everyone! Their idiot brains probably don’t realize it.

Bonus: That Irrelevant Person at the Beginning of the Movie

  1. You’re the killer’s first victim (or you’re special for some reason, like Amanda Young from the Saw franchise), so there’s no escaping unharmed. If the killer does some weird torture, you might escape to give haunting advice to the young’uns, but if the killer doesn’t maim his victims beforehand, you’re done for.
  2. Accept your fate, but for the five minutes you’re in the film, be as obnoxious as possible.

Bonus points for you if you’re that girl who somehow gets invited to everything, even though no one likes her.
To All of You:

If it seems suspicious, don’t do it! And avoid those sketchy parties in the forest/in the middle of nowhere, because they’re usually the setting of a slasher movie.

Also: NEVER LISTEN TO SCOOBY DOO! SPLITTING UP AND SEARCHING FOR CLUES IS THE WORST POSSIBLE IDEA ANYONE COULD HAVE.

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